Area Family’s College Costs Skyrocket 50% In A Single Day

College costs skyrocket

Angel? Or retirement ankle weight?

WASHINGTON, DC. – One area family’s future college costs rose dramatically last week, skyrocketing by a whopping 50% in a single day. Sources say that the arrival of a beautiful baby girl was the catalyst.

A neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, told this publication, “When I saw the RBD family pull into their driveway and remove the car seat and its precious cargo, my stomach dropped at the thought of another $200,000 going to some university for an anthropology degree. But she’s darling.”

Upon arrival, the grandparents beamed with pride as they welcomed the perfect little girl with pink balloons and eager arms. The grandfather smiled at the thought of his son following in his footsteps, investing an outrageous amount of money into education that he himself would never see a return on.

“My son says college education is the best money I ever spent? Sure, for him it was,” he noted.

Hospital officials confirmed that the child’s father was showing signs of anxiety, likely due to the impending mountain of savings required for another college education in 18 years, potentially derailing his early retirement plans.

Molly Williams, a lactation consultant, also reported strange behavior by the dad.

“Every morning he’d wander around the wing asking the staff if he could borrow a computer and use our spreadsheet programs. We don’t use spreadsheets in maternity,” said Williams who added, “He wasn’t sleeping much.”

This is the third child for for Mr. and Mrs. RBD. They have a son and daughter already consuming a growing percentage of the family’s monthly income.

“Our kids are angels, and the best things to ever happen to us,” the parents said jointly outside of their home.

The editorial staff reached out to the child for a statement. We expect to get a smart-ass response in about 13 years.

21 Responses to Area Family’s College Costs Skyrocket 50% In A Single Day

  1. Mrs SSC July 27, 2015 at 8:57 am #

    Congrats! I’ve got a 2 and 4 year old, and I think they are worth every extra penny I have to save for them. Heck, we are probably over-saving just because we want the chance to spoil them on occasion after we retire. Babies are the best news to hear about!

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 4:51 pm #

      Totally worth it. It’s a major thing to bring a person into the world. Can’t really be measured in cost. Of course, as a detailed financial planner, it’s fun to calculate things anyways. If I can’t retire because I had too many kids, so be it!

  2. Tawcan July 27, 2015 at 11:23 am #

    Congrats on the new addition to the family. We have a 21 months old and I’m very happy that we have him as part of the family.

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 4:48 pm #

      Awesome. My second is 22 months. This is a tough period when they’re a danger to themselves. At 2 1/2 it gets a little easier, until 3! Then it’s a whole new set of challenges. Fun, but exhausting!

  3. DivHut July 27, 2015 at 1:37 pm #

    Looks perfect. I just became a first time father in March. It’s amazing and would not trade it for anything. You don’t know what it’s like being a parent till you have your own. Congrats to your whole family on #3.

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 4:46 pm #

      Thanks, she is perfect (of course). #3 is kind of about going through the motions since we know what to expect. But she’s already challenging us with new things every day. Congrats to you as well.

  4. our next life July 27, 2015 at 4:14 pm #

    Congratulations! Such wonderful news, and a funny, clever way to share it. 🙂

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 4:44 pm #

      Thanks ONL! I had some down time to think about writing this. Figured I’d give satire a try. Seems like people get it, I hope!?! I read The Onion a lot.

  5. FFdividend July 27, 2015 at 4:21 pm #


  6. Financial Velociraptor July 27, 2015 at 5:40 pm #

    w00t! Always a joy when they are healthy.

  7. local guy July 27, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

    Your calculation is incorrect. You should have said “Area Family’s College Costs Skyrocket 100% In A Single Day”

    A doubling of cost means it went up 100%.

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 8:12 pm #

      Thanks for your comment local guy. I think I got my math right on this one. Our costs doubled when we had our second child. Assuming $100k per child, our total costs were $100k after the first. $200k after the second. And $300k total after having a third child. Going from $200k to $300k is a 50% increase. That was the way I thought of it. I hope it didn’t confuse people or detract from the piece, as the main purpose of this post was to write something silly.

  8. StockBeard July 27, 2015 at 7:41 pm #

    Congratulations, and welcome to the world of parenthood (and also the world of “holy sh.. we need how much to retire early now???”)

    • Retire Before Dad July 27, 2015 at 8:14 pm #

      Thanks, and I hear ya, man. I actually calculated this stuff before deciding with my wife to have a third. But sitting there in the recovery room with an infant is definitely when the holy shit moment hits.

  9. Dividend Gremlin July 28, 2015 at 9:27 am #


    Congrats. Love the Onion style article there, probably one of the few site I read regularly that is not investing related. Also its nice to know that there are other people following / pursuing some sort of investment freedom in the DC area. I agree our cost of living sucks, even if you send your kids to WVU tuition out of state will still suck (but be lower that GW for sure!).


    • Retire Before Dad July 28, 2015 at 10:19 am #

      Thanks Gremlin. Didn’t know you were a DC area blogger as well. There’s a good number of us here. Cost of living is tough in DC, and I write about that sometimes here. But we’re not willing to move far out to the suburbs, or to a smaller town because this is where we’ve made our lives. Have to make do with where we are, which is a great place to be. Glad you enjoyed this one. It was fun to write. Trying to keep my readers on their toes! The Onion is a favorite of mine too.

  10. Dividend Mantra July 30, 2015 at 4:36 pm #


    Congrats! That must be an amazing feeling to have another little one in the family. Sounds like you’re a beaming new father over there. Enjoy. 🙂

    Best regards.

    • Retire Before Dad July 30, 2015 at 10:43 pm #

      I am beaming, all is well. Settling into the new routine. The third really has a different feel to it since we’ve been through this already. Much easier!

  11. Dear Dividend August 1, 2015 at 3:00 pm #

    College costs are becoming outrageous. It breaks my heart when I hear about 20 something year olds graduating college with an average student loan debt of $35K.

    I like the post and thanks for adding my blog to your blogroll.

  12. typeoh060882 September 24, 2015 at 1:48 pm #

    “Angel? Or retirement ankle weight?”



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